I'm not building a fence 
to keep you out.
Hell to the no.

I will do no such thing.  
I get the expansive 
gloriness
of the universe.

No.  No one's going 
to contain me up.

This is what I will do.

I will cage you up.
I will set you aside.
I will put you in a dungeon.  
I will lock the door.

And walk away.

You can dance.
You can cry.
You can laugh.
You can thrive.

You will do it on your own.
Alone.
Have your cage.

But I get the rest of the cosmos.
I fly and zoom and flutter and dip
in and out of the stars.


Free.

Could not love him into love

I kick myself for hanging on for so long.

I feel silly, nay, stupid, for holding on so long.

I question my sanity for going back,

going back, going back so many times.

Then I think this:

I tried to love him into love.

But it was impossible.

He is forever

and always

unlovable.

Because he refuses to be loved.

Nothing

today I feel nothing for him

makes me rejoice and dance

and weep and collapse

all in one

fell

swoop

Best Thing I Never Had -Beyoncé

http://youtu.be/KZek9a7sEiA

The Guest House

THE GUEST HOUSE

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
-- Jelaluddin Rumi,
    translation by Coleman Barks

Don't Go

He said, "Don't go.  
Don't go."
because he touched normalcy
when he touched me.

He could breathe when I was near.  
He felt,
he saw,
he glimpsed love
because I loved him. 

I loved him. 
I. loved. him.

And I am sad
that he has to suffer.

He made me suffer, yes.
But my heart is intact.
And I am sorry that he has to suffer.
Because I loved him.

I will never go back. Ever.
But today I can't not be sad for him.
I choose to carry that sadness
for now
feel it
and be okay with that.
07/04/10 

Contorting and Chastising Myself, Always

no feeling bad

no obsessing

it does you no good

just go with the flow

don't be co-dependent

follow your heart

show a little restraint

but don't suffocate yourself, 

for goodness sake

and don't kick yourself

for being you

touch base if you want

pull back if you want

let your body be a guide

you are finding your way

this round is new

and you are finding your way

don't think you are so important 

and read things into things

just chill and lighten up sister

09/07/10

Powerless

and i says
that i'm holding all of that
just cradling the whole goddamn package
and seeing it in its stupid fucking fullness

what a crock
cause here i am and i feel like my arms are bound
and my legs are tied
and i am gagged
and fully confined

a slave
a prisoner

powerless
09/15/10

What a crock

Don't Panic

you panic
it's all about panicking

that you did too much
that he's fuming about you
that he'll pull away again
that you're screwed

no.
breathe.

you may go and find him later.
you will connect later.

just for now
let go.
no, really let go.

don't panic.
don't freeze.
don't obsess.

go.
09/15/10
postnote: this journal entry about sums it up, my relationship with the narc...always trying not to panic, not to obsess...

Everything

here's the thing
to ask you
if i'm your everything
if i'm above the rest
if i'm different than the rest
or if i'm just one of many
would be futile
to ask you that would be futile

any way i would phrase it
put it
ask it

any way i would go there
would sound anxious
would sound pathetic
would sound like i'm digging

and why would i dig
for something i already know

there's no point

but
but
but

can i live with this knowledge
knowing that he
refuses to admit
it?

and what if
what if
what if

i am wrong?
that i'm not his true love?

what if indeed, i am only helping him kill time
until she comes along

what then?
how would i feel about that?

that would be intolerable to me.
intolerable.

i have to be everything.
i know that about myself.

even if he doesn't acknowledge that
i am everything

i have to know that i am.
or we have nothing.
09/20/10

Mr. Insightful

mr. insightful
is full of bullshit

but he has to be
to survive

is the smell
starting to get to me?

the little slights?
the little digs?

all so funny, ha ha ha.

starting to wear on me.

but if i say anything
i'm being too sensitive
too needy
too
too
too

so it is with you
i can't be too

that just wouldn't do

so i have to manage
and keep asking myself
if this is ok
if this set up is ok with me

for now it is
but my antennae is hyper aware right now
and my heart is set on alert

cause i'm growing a new kind of weary
not the crazy-i-can't-take-this-anymore 
kind of weary that i'm so familiar with
but a sad little weary in which i'm starting to think
starting to feel
like i don't just don't like this any more
but i can see too clearly what's going on
and my intolerance is growing

for now i'll carry on
tentatively
cause i'm too weary
to actually address it
or do something about it

maybe i'll fade out
like a nondescript sunset
and you'll move on
to your next fuck
your next lay

and you'll tell her
about me
and you'll speak more fondly of me
than you ever did when i was near

cause that's just how you operate
09/20/10

Home Sweet Home

i'm deciding

though i'm home
and i want to let you know
just in case
no.
that'll put me
in an anxious place

it will
waiting

and if you don't care to come
to me
that will ruin my afternoon

and i'm a lucky bitch to be home
this afternoon

so i'm not going to make a choice
that will ruin that

especially when i can smell
the scent
the scent of
back up
back off
back away

i smell it through the phone
through the computer
wafting and pouring into my house

the smell that shouts
SPACE

and makes it clear
what i need to do

i just need to see it in print
like this
and i then can reconcile
what i need to do
with what i want to do

there ya have it
09/20/10

My Pinterest

My Pinterest Board: Narcissist Abuse

Real and Ugly Truth

and if you think i'm going to go
running to look for you, mother fucker

you are dead wrong
i don't need one more thing to be pissed about

see, i can be plenty pissed in my old regular boring life
thank you very much

i have plenty of hatred and anger to go around
without your sorry ass around to stir it up

and you thought i needed you
like hell i do

here's the real and ugly truth:
MY LIFE IS BETTER WITHOUT YOU.
I AM BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU.
i believe this 100%.

don't have to worry about you NOT contacting me.
don't have to worry about you JUDGING me.
don't have to worry about me ANNOYING you.
don't have to worry about you IGNORING me.
don't have to worry about you MISUNDERSTANDING me.
don't have to worry about you going on and on and on and on about your SORRY LIFE.
don't have to worry about what you THINK ABOUT ME.
don't have to worry about all your BULLSHIT.
don't have to worry about you CHOKING me, throwing me to the ground, leaving me for dead.
don't have to worry about ENTERTAINING you.
don't have to worry about your DIGS and SLIGHTS and INSULTS.
don't have to worry about your MANIPULATION and CONTROL.
don't have to worry about PLEASING you.
don't have to worry.

am i talking myself into that?
perhaps.
but so be it.
right now. at this moment.  in my heart.  in my body.  in my brain.
i believe it to be so.
if i am deceiving myself
i will will it to be so
and it will be so
so be it.
09/27/10

Anxious

and let me remind myself this: 
i am anxious about you
i am anxious with you
i am anxious in thinking about how to communicate with you
i am anxious with you

i don't say things right
i second guess myself
i feel judged by you

you make me less than
i feel less than
because of you

you scare me
and i don't actually
feel safe and happy with you

i just enjoy the buzz
and the knowledge
of my sexual power

otherwise, the rest is a farce

i'm prepared to stay away for a while
but i don't know what is going to happen
i do not know how this will unfold

i have no idea
i just know that i must claim
some serious space
and distance
so i can think clearly
about what i am going to do now

because all your sweet talk
is like needles and thread
sewing my eyes shut
and i want them to remain
wide wide open
while i think this through
09/28/10

Morning

i have a different feel
this moment

up in the morning
the middle of the night

doing dishes
doing research
reading emails
writing emails

just don't feel
panicked
or worried
or anxious
or wondering

i just am
and i am doing
and i'm here

it's a pleasant little feel
for the moment

just am
so i am going to ride it
feel it
be it
and some day
think about it
in contrast to
some other middle of the night
crazed moments

that's all
later
i'll think about it

but for now
i'm gonna soak it up
cause it's good
09/30/10

Let it go (easier said than done, even WITH the song)

i need to let go of the 

romantic fantasy part

the love love part

just need to let it go

he his a mean, manipulative, nasty man

he is not going to be kind

he is not going to be thoughtful

he is not going to care about you

he is not going to want 

to hear your thoughts

he is not going to check in with you

no.

he is going to humiliate you

he is going to put you down

he is going to abuse you 

he is going to belittle you

he is going to disregard you

he is going to hate you

he is going to insult you

he is going to make fun of you

he is going to do 

whatever the hell 

makes him feel like a 

big and powerful person

because he is small and pathetic

so, i need to get over 

any romantic delusion 

any lovey dovey nostalgic thoughts

stirred up by songs and memories

because that's not reality

and that's not the truth

it's time to muster up 

your strength and 

courage and face the truth

he is a bad man to you

being in a relationship 

with him is 

unhealthy and 

life-draining

get over it

09/26/10

"Shut de door, keep out de devil."

-Randy Stonehill

Utter Mess

i was a complete 

and utter mess today

teary

but i cloaked it

what else could i do?

the darkness is deep

and multilayered

and knotted and tangled

and beautiful and terrible

i feel so hurt 

that this could happen

that i can see now

what was happening

i feel so hurt 

and used

and worthless

and wonder how how how 

could he do this

how how how 

could he be this way

and of course how 

could i let him

and why would he do this

and why would he be this way

and he must really hate me

deep down

hates me

hates my existence

wishes i did not exist

so i lose him

i lose the illusion

i lose the love

i lose the cosmic connection 

that maybe 

never even was

and the shame

and disgrace

and horror

at seeing what was happening

is big

really big

and i feel overwhelmed

and sorry for myself

but here's what i'm saying for today

i'm saying i get grace

i get to give myself 

forgiveness and grace

because i stood up

and said no more

and all the rest doesn't 

have to matter today

because today i said no

to you

and that is strong 

and courageous

and full hearted

you crushed me

but you did not kill me

i am here

i am alive

and i am kicking

i'm broken, bruised, 

and beaten

but i am alive

and i will be well

someday again

i will be well
09/27/10

09/27/10

Same Playbook

It baffles me, amazes me, intrigues me---how people with NPD are so alike. It certainly helps me know what he is and is helping me walk away. But it is just. so. so. weird!!!!

One Goal

What do I want?

this is what i will keep asking myself for the time being:

what do i want? 

as i flounder and question and think and wonder

i will continue to ask myself, what do i want?

at this moment, what do i want?

long term, what do i want?

right now i want no contact.

i want to know that you can't get to me.

that's what i want for now.

i will take tomorrow when she comes.

for now i need safety

and protection

and isolation

for now i want to know

that you cannot get to me

for now

9/30/10

Bend with the Breeze

so, i have my sad little moments.

but overall, i'm ok.

so i'll carry on.

blow through the sad moments.

feel them, if i must.

but this is the best way i know how

to not let you hurt me.

it still hurts

but i am in control.

not full control

i'm not delusional

but it gives me power

where i had none

so that is progress

i think

i hate being wishy washy

but i also detest being fully sure

so that leaves me somewhere 

in the middle

on solid ground

willing to bend with the breeze

11/4/10

Burned

i just feel burned.

like i'm the least of.

that i'm just some stupid, 

risky, indulgent 

thing

just another thing

that 

is

to be pondered

weighed against

the risk

like why

like what

like maybe not

i donno

just feeling 

extremely fragile

at the moment

11/18/10

I Feel Used

i feel used

and useless

and tossed aside

and unimportant

i feel awful

i feel tossed aside

like a bother

worse than a bother

whatever that is

i feel teary 

and confused

and like i want to bolt 

run and bolt

i feel miserable

funny.  did you ask 

one single question about me?

no, you did not.

not

one

single

question

i feel like running away

from you

letting you finally

drive me away

i hate you

11/04/10

With or Without You

Near

there's a soft sadness

i cannot deny

but no sorrow

no, i will not cry

cause the gentle

pain that i carry within

is a far cry from

what has been

and i will sign up for this

this soft gentle release

any day

any minute

i will take 

this unease

cause i know well where it's leading me

to a river of peace

breathe it in 

hold it dear

and know

that it's near

Another Notch Deeper

it is settling into my bones
another notch deeper

that i want my new old life back
my new this-is-what-I-am-choosing life back
my this-is-what-is-important-to-me life back

and i think of talking with you
ans i wonder what i have to say to you
cause maybe i don't care
or maybe i'm angry
or maybe i'm just tired of your 
games and self-centeredness

i feel happy and calm
and it is sealed in a new way
that i am happier without you

and i cannot think of one single reason
to come back to you

i want to
i want to think of one single reason
but i cannot

when i think of you i think of
insomnia
i think of anxiety and stress
and self-doubt and uncertainty

when i think of you i think of put-downs
and feeling stupid
i think of your off-handed comments
that cut deep
i think of your lack of commitment to me
and your ho-hum attitude towards me

and i think of your needing 
to run and hide and leave

and i wonder
no, i mean it
like i really and truly wonder what would draw me back into that madness

maybe he gets me
maybe he adores me
maybe he needs me

but what about me?

maybe I.....
maybe I.....
maybe I....

i need him?
no
i want him?
no
i love him?
did. not so sure now.

i feel loved by him? no.
i feel like he's my friend? no.
i feel like he cares? no.
i feel special with him? no.

he gives me so much? no.
he serves a purpose? maybe.
he's a habit? maybe.

ugh.  another notch deeper
i see it
i am choosing this moment
the responsible and life-giving choice.

i am choosing to wait and avoid
wait and avoid
that's all
done for now 

Bright-eyed

I feel so bright-eyed

and clear-eyed

and sober

i feel so light and joyous and happy

without you

i feel so solid and unpretentious and lovely and permanent

and free

and full

i feel so good

i need to put this in strong and solid writing

cause i will be tested

be not be fooled

you will be tested

be ready

and don't do anything that will hasten that 

don't do anything out of fear

nothing

you can do it

visualize yourself again 

and again and again

prepare yourself

and remember how light and lovely and beautiful and good you feel

remember who you are

let your authentic true self burst forth and this will be your greatest pleasure

and will protect you from your false self and all its sniveling and whining and whimpering and fit throwing

the longer it goes 

the better chance you have

of rising rising rising

into your most fully and most true self

thank the universe in advance for every day you get

because every day you get secures your escape

thank you universe