What do I want?

this is what i will keep asking myself for the time being:

what do i want? 

as i flounder and question and think and wonder

i will continue to ask myself, what do i want?

at this moment, what do i want?

long term, what do i want?

right now i want no contact.

i want to know that you can't get to me.

that's what i want for now.

i will take tomorrow when she comes.

for now i need safety

and protection

and isolation

for now i want to know

that you cannot get to me

for now

9/30/10

Bend with the Breeze

so, i have my sad little moments.

but overall, i'm ok.

so i'll carry on.

blow through the sad moments.

feel them, if i must.

but this is the best way i know how

to not let you hurt me.

it still hurts

but i am in control.

not full control

i'm not delusional

but it gives me power

where i had none

so that is progress

i think

i hate being wishy washy

but i also detest being fully sure

so that leaves me somewhere 

in the middle

on solid ground

willing to bend with the breeze

11/4/10

Burned

i just feel burned.

like i'm the least of.

that i'm just some stupid, 

risky, indulgent 

thing

just another thing

that 

is

to be pondered

weighed against

the risk

like why

like what

like maybe not

i donno

just feeling 

extremely fragile

at the moment

11/18/10

I Feel Used

i feel used

and useless

and tossed aside

and unimportant

i feel awful

i feel tossed aside

like a bother

worse than a bother

whatever that is

i feel teary 

and confused

and like i want to bolt 

run and bolt

i feel miserable

funny.  did you ask 

one single question about me?

no, you did not.

not

one

single

question

i feel like running away

from you

letting you finally

drive me away

i hate you

11/04/10

With or Without You

Near

there's a soft sadness

i cannot deny

but no sorrow

no, i will not cry

cause the gentle

pain that i carry within

is a far cry from

what has been

and i will sign up for this

this soft gentle release

any day

any minute

i will take 

this unease

cause i know well where it's leading me

to a river of peace

breathe it in 

hold it dear

and know

that it's near

Another Notch Deeper

it is settling into my bones
another notch deeper

that i want my new old life back
my new this-is-what-I-am-choosing life back
my this-is-what-is-important-to-me life back

and i think of talking with you
ans i wonder what i have to say to you
cause maybe i don't care
or maybe i'm angry
or maybe i'm just tired of your 
games and self-centeredness

i feel happy and calm
and it is sealed in a new way
that i am happier without you

and i cannot think of one single reason
to come back to you

i want to
i want to think of one single reason
but i cannot

when i think of you i think of
insomnia
i think of anxiety and stress
and self-doubt and uncertainty

when i think of you i think of put-downs
and feeling stupid
i think of your off-handed comments
that cut deep
i think of your lack of commitment to me
and your ho-hum attitude towards me

and i think of your needing 
to run and hide and leave

and i wonder
no, i mean it
like i really and truly wonder what would draw me back into that madness

maybe he gets me
maybe he adores me
maybe he needs me

but what about me?

maybe I.....
maybe I.....
maybe I....

i need him?
no
i want him?
no
i love him?
did. not so sure now.

i feel loved by him? no.
i feel like he's my friend? no.
i feel like he cares? no.
i feel special with him? no.

he gives me so much? no.
he serves a purpose? maybe.
he's a habit? maybe.

ugh.  another notch deeper
i see it
i am choosing this moment
the responsible and life-giving choice.

i am choosing to wait and avoid
wait and avoid
that's all
done for now 

Bright-eyed

I feel so bright-eyed

and clear-eyed

and sober

i feel so light and joyous and happy

without you

i feel so solid and unpretentious and lovely and permanent

and free

and full

i feel so good

i need to put this in strong and solid writing

cause i will be tested

be not be fooled

you will be tested

be ready

and don't do anything that will hasten that 

don't do anything out of fear

nothing

you can do it

visualize yourself again 

and again and again

prepare yourself

and remember how light and lovely and beautiful and good you feel

remember who you are

let your authentic true self burst forth and this will be your greatest pleasure

and will protect you from your false self and all its sniveling and whining and whimpering and fit throwing

the longer it goes 

the better chance you have

of rising rising rising

into your most fully and most true self

thank the universe in advance for every day you get

because every day you get secures your escape

thank you universe

Tip #1

Tip #2

Tip #3

Tip #4

Tip #5

Tip #6

Tip #7

Tip #8

Tip #9

Tip #10

One more thing

i'm not staying up

waiting for you

hoping

i'm not killing time

to get to the time

when i'm rejected

no more

what freedom

and release

no more

Thank You

he's doing the 
exact same thing 

he always does

avoiding

ignoring

staying away

hiding

being strong

so, any notion that he should be 

"doing something" to "win me back" 

and i must not be "worth it" 

is totally ridiculous

i feel silly and playful

with this game

sure, my lower self is 
a little disappointed 
not to hear from him

but my higher 
and fuller 
and truer self 
is quite content 

that for whatever reason 
(it really makes no 
difference what the reason is)

he is leaving me alone

i am grateful

for every day

and sad 

just a touch

because letting go

is a little sad

and shifting my 

thoughts about him

is working

but sad

just a touch

and i kick some

into fear gear

thinking, what if this really works?

which makes me know

that i think it really can work

and then i breathe easy

and think sweetly

that this time it might really work

one step 

at a time

every day i do not contact him

every day he does not contact me

makes it even more likely

that this will work

and as i think of what might of happened

really think about it

physically what might have happened

i can sigh a sigh of relief

and thank the universe that i 

some how 

some how

some miraculous way how

made it here

and out

thank you universe

thank you thank you thank you

and thank you higher self

for loving yourself

Dance

life without narc drama

Remember

Call to Arms

Okay, Sister.  

You are getting confused 
and you need to refocus 
and get some clarity.  

YOU are ending it.  

YOU are very clear about that.  

For this very reason of 
having to dance around 
yourself and tell yourself 
that it is okay
that he ignores you.  

IT IS NOT OK.  

And that is why you are ending it.  

YOU are clear about that, 

but you are getting sucked back into

your false self that 

loves the drama and 
the confusion and 
the pain and the anger.  

Oh, yes.  Loves it.  

Your true self loves being no one.  

Just being.  

So you ARE GETTING OUT. 

And you will never ever 
again give him the pleasure of ending it, 
closing everything off.  Oh, no.  

HE WILL NOT 

get that pleasure again.  

YOU will never end it again.  

No, you are ending it and 

maybe he'll never notice.  

This is PAINFUL and 
EXCRUCIATING, 
but you must go 

THROUGH the SUFFERING.  

And you WILL END 

UP ON THE OTHER SIDE.  

You have to BELIEVE 

that this is going to work.  

You cannot give up HOPE.  

You must not give up HOPE.  

It feels long and hard and impossible, 

but you must believe in the IMPOSSIBLE.

You, my love, are LIMITLESS.  

This is the MOMENT NOW 

that you are going to keep going.  

You are the master of this 
moment and your FUTURE.  

You are very clear about this relationship.  

It is painful and keeps you 
from being your 
FULLEST, 
HAPPIEST, 

most WHOLE self.  

You are clear about that.  

But this way actually works for you.  

You can't quite SEE 

yet that you can 

ACTUALLY LIVE WITHOUT HIM, 

but you can and you will SEE.  

You will SEE and you will be free.  

Do not let his voice of 

doubt sing in your ear.  

KEEP BELIEVING and living

into your NEW REALITY.  

Without him to bother you.  

WIthout him to distract you.  

THANK THE UNIVERSE that 

he is leaving you alone.  

This is a strange and 

hard and unusual way to end it, but in your mind 

YOU ARE ENDING IT.  

Totally.  Stepping away.  

Gaining distance.  

SEEING HIM for what HE IS.  

Not in anger, not in disgust, 

but in an objective, 

reasonable way. 

He is a man with a 

big broken heart.  

He is scared.  

He is weak.  

He is ill.  

No judgement.  

Just SEEING.  

Beautiful, sweet, bright sight.  

Thank the UNIVERSE a million times over and HAVE PATIENCE.  

In the worst of it, it is hard.  

No doubt about that.  

Love yourself, forgive yourself, 

and DO NOT SEE THIS 

AS WASTED TIME.  

This time is crucial to your next step.  

It is not hopeless.  
You are not helpless. 

You are engaging your 
super powers by resisting 
compulsive urges to contact him, 
by nurturing yourself.

By keeping the romantic 
fantastical thinking at bay 
and seeing him for what he is.  
In the simplest ways.  

AVOID the CRAZIES.  

There will be OUCHY moments.  

Of that, you can be sure.  

But I am where I am 
supposed to be at this very very very second.  

Every moment that passes that he does not contact me secures my resolve that this relationship is not good for me.  

THANK YOU UNIVERSE for that.  

I am being molded into my next me, 
a fuller and more vibrant me.  

Coming more into me.  

THIS RELATIONSHIP 

HAS SQUELCHED me.  

In this RELATIONSHIP this is 

what I have chosen: 

to LOSE my VOICE, 

to SACRIFICE my DIGNITY, 

to LAY DOWN and DIE, 

to GIVE up my NEEDS, 

to acquiesce to whatever you need.  

You have benefited from 

my ADDICTIVE tendencies.  

But I am overcoming.  

One day at a time.  

One second at a time.  

By writing and reading 

and breathing. 

Here's my big point:  

This time in waiting, 
this time in tension, 
this time of suspension 
IS NOT WASTED TIME.  

Letting that go is a huge relief.  

I have seen this time as an entrapment, 
but this time...
the waiting and resisting and letting go is 

ONE MORE STEP OF THE JOURNEY.  

To be honored and welcomed 

and held sweetly in my mind.  

Be gentle with yourself in this 
TRANSITIONAL TIME.  

You are LETTING GO.  

You are ENDING it.  

In your mind, think as you wish, 

but know in your heart that 
you are running in bigger 
and bigger circles around him.  

He is sitting.  

You are possessing yourself.  

You want him there for now, 

your false self is not fully banished, 

but your circles are 

getting bigger and bigger.  

You will circle away some day.  

Believe that WITH ALL YOUR BEING.  
KNOW that even in the moments of complete obsession and heartbreak, 
KNOW that YOU are GETTING OUT. 

Know that you are 

LETTING GO.  

Know. That. With. Your. Entire. BEING.