Another Notch Deeper

it is settling into my bones
another notch deeper

that i want my new old life back
my new this-is-what-I-am-choosing life back
my this-is-what-is-important-to-me life back

and i think of talking with you
ans i wonder what i have to say to you
cause maybe i don't care
or maybe i'm angry
or maybe i'm just tired of your 
games and self-centeredness

i feel happy and calm
and it is sealed in a new way
that i am happier without you

and i cannot think of one single reason
to come back to you

i want to
i want to think of one single reason
but i cannot

when i think of you i think of
insomnia
i think of anxiety and stress
and self-doubt and uncertainty

when i think of you i think of put-downs
and feeling stupid
i think of your off-handed comments
that cut deep
i think of your lack of commitment to me
and your ho-hum attitude towards me

and i think of your needing 
to run and hide and leave

and i wonder
no, i mean it
like i really and truly wonder what would draw me back into that madness

maybe he gets me
maybe he adores me
maybe he needs me

but what about me?

maybe I.....
maybe I.....
maybe I....

i need him?
no
i want him?
no
i love him?
did. not so sure now.

i feel loved by him? no.
i feel like he's my friend? no.
i feel like he cares? no.
i feel special with him? no.

he gives me so much? no.
he serves a purpose? maybe.
he's a habit? maybe.

ugh.  another notch deeper
i see it
i am choosing this moment
the responsible and life-giving choice.

i am choosing to wait and avoid
wait and avoid
that's all
done for now