Utter Mess

i was a complete 

and utter mess today

teary

but i cloaked it

what else could i do?

the darkness is deep

and multilayered

and knotted and tangled

and beautiful and terrible

i feel so hurt 

that this could happen

that i can see now

what was happening

i feel so hurt 

and used

and worthless

and wonder how how how 

could he do this

how how how 

could he be this way

and of course how 

could i let him

and why would he do this

and why would he be this way

and he must really hate me

deep down

hates me

hates my existence

wishes i did not exist

so i lose him

i lose the illusion

i lose the love

i lose the cosmic connection 

that maybe 

never even was

and the shame

and disgrace

and horror

at seeing what was happening

is big

really big

and i feel overwhelmed

and sorry for myself

but here's what i'm saying for today

i'm saying i get grace

i get to give myself 

forgiveness and grace

because i stood up

and said no more

and all the rest doesn't 

have to matter today

because today i said no

to you

and that is strong 

and courageous

and full hearted

you crushed me

but you did not kill me

i am here

i am alive

and i am kicking

i'm broken, bruised, 

and beaten

but i am alive

and i will be well

someday again

i will be well
09/27/10

09/27/10