What do I want?

this is what i will keep asking myself for the time being:

what do i want? 

as i flounder and question and think and wonder

i will continue to ask myself, what do i want?

at this moment, what do i want?

long term, what do i want?

right now i want no contact.

i want to know that you can't get to me.

that's what i want for now.

i will take tomorrow when she comes.

for now i need safety

and protection

and isolation

for now i want to know

that you cannot get to me

for now

9/30/10

Bend with the Breeze

so, i have my sad little moments.

but overall, i'm ok.

so i'll carry on.

blow through the sad moments.

feel them, if i must.

but this is the best way i know how

to not let you hurt me.

it still hurts

but i am in control.

not full control

i'm not delusional

but it gives me power

where i had none

so that is progress

i think

i hate being wishy washy

but i also detest being fully sure

so that leaves me somewhere 

in the middle

on solid ground

willing to bend with the breeze

11/4/10

Burned

i just feel burned.

like i'm the least of.

that i'm just some stupid, 

risky, indulgent 

thing

just another thing

that 

is

to be pondered

weighed against

the risk

like why

like what

like maybe not

i donno

just feeling 

extremely fragile

at the moment

11/18/10

I Feel Used

i feel used

and useless

and tossed aside

and unimportant

i feel awful

i feel tossed aside

like a bother

worse than a bother

whatever that is

i feel teary 

and confused

and like i want to bolt 

run and bolt

i feel miserable

funny.  did you ask 

one single question about me?

no, you did not.

not

one

single

question

i feel like running away

from you

letting you finally

drive me away

i hate you

11/04/10

With or Without You

Near

there's a soft sadness

i cannot deny

but no sorrow

no, i will not cry

cause the gentle

pain that i carry within

is a far cry from

what has been

and i will sign up for this

this soft gentle release

any day

any minute

i will take 

this unease

cause i know well where it's leading me

to a river of peace

breathe it in 

hold it dear

and know

that it's near

Another Notch Deeper

it is settling into my bones
another notch deeper

that i want my new old life back
my new this-is-what-I-am-choosing life back
my this-is-what-is-important-to-me life back

and i think of talking with you
ans i wonder what i have to say to you
cause maybe i don't care
or maybe i'm angry
or maybe i'm just tired of your 
games and self-centeredness

i feel happy and calm
and it is sealed in a new way
that i am happier without you

and i cannot think of one single reason
to come back to you

i want to
i want to think of one single reason
but i cannot

when i think of you i think of
insomnia
i think of anxiety and stress
and self-doubt and uncertainty

when i think of you i think of put-downs
and feeling stupid
i think of your off-handed comments
that cut deep
i think of your lack of commitment to me
and your ho-hum attitude towards me

and i think of your needing 
to run and hide and leave

and i wonder
no, i mean it
like i really and truly wonder what would draw me back into that madness

maybe he gets me
maybe he adores me
maybe he needs me

but what about me?

maybe I.....
maybe I.....
maybe I....

i need him?
no
i want him?
no
i love him?
did. not so sure now.

i feel loved by him? no.
i feel like he's my friend? no.
i feel like he cares? no.
i feel special with him? no.

he gives me so much? no.
he serves a purpose? maybe.
he's a habit? maybe.

ugh.  another notch deeper
i see it
i am choosing this moment
the responsible and life-giving choice.

i am choosing to wait and avoid
wait and avoid
that's all
done for now 

Bright-eyed

I feel so bright-eyed

and clear-eyed

and sober

i feel so light and joyous and happy

without you

i feel so solid and unpretentious and lovely and permanent

and free

and full

i feel so good

i need to put this in strong and solid writing

cause i will be tested

be not be fooled

you will be tested

be ready

and don't do anything that will hasten that 

don't do anything out of fear

nothing

you can do it

visualize yourself again 

and again and again

prepare yourself

and remember how light and lovely and beautiful and good you feel

remember who you are

let your authentic true self burst forth and this will be your greatest pleasure

and will protect you from your false self and all its sniveling and whining and whimpering and fit throwing

the longer it goes 

the better chance you have

of rising rising rising

into your most fully and most true self

thank the universe in advance for every day you get

because every day you get secures your escape

thank you universe

Tip #1

Tip #2

Tip #3

Tip #4